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Archtype Cafe (the Dead Martin Character Union version)

אוגוסט 23rd, 2011 by Dana
Archtype Cafe (the Dead Martin Character Union version)

To the tune of "Archtype Cafe" by Talis Kimberley. Contains spoilers for ASOIAF up to and including Dance with Dragons.

Rhaegar Targaryen said to Ned Stark,
As they finished the wine they were drinking;
“Seven know I’m all for honor and trust,
But Eddard, just what were you thinking?”
Next table the Old Bear complained to his niece:
How the Night’s Watch had fallen since his day
As the Dead Martin character union hooks up
Down Archetype Café on Tuesday

Lovely Lyanna insisted to Shae:
The rebellion wasn’t her doing
While next to them Lysa dramatically sighed
Saying love always brings you to ruin
Meanwhile Yigritte told in stunning detail
What she’ll do once she caught Melisadre
As the Dead Martin Characters union hooks up
Down Archetype Café on Tuesday

And Lord Tywin spat: “fantasy writers!
“They’ll cut off your nose or your hand or your cock
They’ll wave you goodbye
In the blink of an eye
When they want to give readers a shock
“They’ll tell you that Myca was no one,
Drogo was savage and Viserys mad
Qhorin was boring and Aemon was ancient
And Syrio just can’t be dead!

Varamir Sixskins sat sharing a cup
With a waiter who called himself Coldhands
Daeron was welcomed by Marillion
Who was one singer short of a whole band
Oberyn sat mocking Gregor Clegane
“It was worth it, no matter what you say.”
As the Dead Martin Characters union hooks up
Down Archetype Café on Tuesday

And as Robert’s boar came to the table
Down in the crowd they were muttering: “nice!
He challenges readers’ perception to change
And we’re the ones paying the price.”
They’ll tell you the Northern Lords all had it coming
Cat was annoying and Quentyn’s a klutz
That Robb lost a kingdom and Balon a crown
And Aerys, well, he was just nuts

They’ll tell you that Stannis was stubborn and Renly raised hell
That Berric was creepy and that Joffrey was… well.
And the Dead Martin Characters union drinks long
To the folly of story and cruelty of song
And if I didn’t care about spoiling you all
I’d book us all tables for Tuesday

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