Fuzzy Fish

The following contains SERENITY SPOILERS!!!

So, you can probably guess it's a Firefly filk. Also, ose. I wanted to write something about Kaylee, and then it got warped.
Tune: Original.

I think life is an apple you hold in your hand.
Tell me, isn't is sweet? Tell me, isn't it grand?
But with one careless bite, you might just understand
How life can blow you to shreds.

Take Mal, for example, and take me, as well.
How you shivered to hear all the tales we could tell!
By our skin and our teeth we've survived every hell;
It was you that died in the end.

And I catch myself just before saying your name
And I almost reach out for your hand.
The Gods of this war play a merciless game
With rules that I can't understand.

The others don't know, and I doubt they will care,
That I wake up each night with this sinking despair.
The cockpit is empty, though Mal's always there.
I can't bring myself to come inside.

I don't need you to live. I can hold up just fine,
I have known and lost love before, back on the line.
Don't think you could make me just wither and pine -
I love you, but I have my pride.

But I wish you were here, I can't think of you dead,
You weren't supposed to die first!
This death came for me, but it got you instead,
And I knew from the start we were cursed.

You said I was strong, and I can't disagree.
Never asked to be strong, but nobody asked me,
And since I have no choice I guess strong I shall be -
But for once, I just wish I could cry.

Still, you're not coming back. I can't hide in your arms.
I've a captain and crew I won't let come to harm.
When I come to meet Death, I will meet him full-armed
And spit in the old bastard's eye.

And I miss every stupid joke you've ever made.
Your dinosaurs. Your nervous smile.
So no, I'm not broken. Hell, I'm not afraid.
I'm just…
It's just taking a while.